Days Like Today...

Dear Reader-Mommy,

...and you thought something tragic had happened to me.  No, just life with one husband, two kids, and countless house remodeling projects.  

Here is a question for all you-mommies out there; what do you-mommy do on days like today?What's special about today?  I am so exhaustedly tired that my 5 month old feels like a two ton bag of bricks, everything my toddler says sound like gibberish coming through a scratched CD, I can't stand the thought of doing what I need to do to organize my laundry room and all I want to do is sit and eat oreos because I get the munchies when I am this far passed tired.  I'll tell you-mommy what I do...I eat the oreos! And while I enjoy the calorie cluster of goodness I tell myself that TONIGHT I will get to bed on time so as not be repeat the blundersom day I had today (and, yes, "blundersom" is a word).  What I fail to realize is that I have been telling myself that I would get to bed on time for the last two weeks and three days which is why I am in this state of being in the first place.  So, until sleep, blessed sleep, decides to visit my little house once again, I will be going through oreos by the SLEEVE!

Today I learned that Boudreaux Butt Paste does not come out of whites!

Remember When...

Reader-Mommy,

Do you ever feel like you-mommy are becoming the worst version of yourself?  Remember when you knew the lyrics to the Top 10 and sing along with the artist (who's name and bios you also knew) while driving to your pilates class in your cutie little XS workout outfit.  You'd turn the heads of all the guys in the cars around you.  Now the only attention you get on the road are those "I can't believe she left the house looking like that" stares. Remember yourself when you-mommy were thin, organized, athletic, social, and smart.  Smart! That's a word I'd forgotten.  I should look it up in the dictionary to see if it still means the same thing.  The dictionary...where did I put that?

I have to keep telling myself that I'll get it all back someday.  Once my kids are school-age and I have more than half a minute per day to myself I can start getting smart again.  I have no idea where to begin that process.  Nonetheless, I will.  I think I'll start by reading up on all the happenings around the world getting caught up on politics, fashion, people and anything else I can think of.  I'd read a self-help book cover to cover in one afternoon instead of spread it over 14 months, which defeats the purpose because by the time you get to the last chapter you don't remember what you were reading in the first place. After that, I may bust open an algebra book and re-learn how to work some of the problems.  Next I would go shopping and purchase a couple of outfits for their stylish appeal instead of for their utilitarian features such as how easy it is going to be to breast feed in this top or does this color hide food, dirt, and spit up stains. Once that was done, I would take up a hobby, something I enjoy doing just for the sake of doing it, something like tennis.  Back in the day I used to play tennis. I wonder if it is still around?  Finally, once all this was done, I'd call up a girlfriend, if I have any left by this time, and schedule a coffee date.  We'd meet to do nothing other than sit, sip our grossly overpriced and entirely impractical beverages and talk about everything I mentioned above.  We'd talk about the latest fashion and who we would like to see win the election.  We'd talk about how much we like that new book. We tell each other about how we were once again getting checked out at our gym.  Maybe we'd even hum a few lines from the latest hit songs.  Then again, we'd probably end up chatting about the most important part of our lives...our kids.  

Today I learned that you CAN mow the lawn with a 2-year-old strapped to your back.  

Tipping the Scales...

Reader-mommy,

It has been a month now and still no weight loss results.  By now I should be feeling sexy and looking at least presentable in a swim suit.  Neither seems to be the case.  After weighing in last Thursday (although I didn't post on Weigh Day) and this morning I am rather depressed to say that within those two weeks, I haven't lost anything!  I still weigh 134. It is time for more drastic action.  

Because I am breast feeding I can't modify my diet too much or, as I have experiences all too often, my milk production will suffer and my infant won't get the nutrition she needs.  Why do I feel like a dairy cow?  Since my diet can't be modified much more, I am going to have to break out of a two and a half year rut and start seriously working out again. After my first pregnancy, I was able to lose all 48 baby pound just by cutting back on sugar, drinking a ton of water, and walking a few times a week.  I have tried that this time around with little to no results. My husband recently joined a health club and has been encouraging me to do the same. So, I guess it is time to hit the gym, darn it!

I will continue to keep my sugar intake low and my water intake high.  Now, I'll just be burning more calories.  We'll see if that does the trick...any suggestions from my reader-mommies?

Today I learned that all booboos can be fixed with a kiss.

Laws of Motherhood...

Reader-mommy,

In science and math, there are laws that always hold true.  Facts that don't change no matter what the condition or who is applying said principals.  We-mommies know that there is also a set of laws that highlight our lives.  Today, we'll be discussing the 6 Laws of Motherhood. These six laws are quite significant and universally true.  Every mother has, at some point, or soon will, experience each law and each time the result is the same...a feeling that you-mommy are, indeed, the worst mommy in the whole world! They are as follows:

1. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong in a public setting and it is ALWAYS your fault.  

2. At any given point, you-mommy are only 5.3 seconds away from a new disaster. 

3. When you-mommy are in a hurry to get ready, makeup and hair are impossible!

4. The more important the occasion, the higher the number of stains that will be deposited onto your outfit before walking out the door.  

5. You-mommy only need all that crap in your diaper bag when you-mommy forget the diaper bag at home. 

6. The entire house is only ever entirely clean when nobody is coming over.  The one time in your adult life that you-mommy sit down in the middle of the day before all your cleaning is done to finish watching that movie you-mommy started to TRY to watch over a week ago that is the time your husband comes home early, your in-laws drop by for a surprise visit and your neighbor comes over to return the cake pan she borrowed two years ago.  

I am sharing the 6 Laws of Motherhood so that mommies will longer be embarrassed by the effect of these laws.  Whether you-mommy experience one of these laws or all of them at the same time you-mommy can rest easy knowing that there are other mommies all over the world experiencing them as well.  Just smile at whomever is staring at you and move on...

Today I learned that toddlers eat anything as long as it has ketchup on it.

Nailed It...

Reader-Mommy,

Who would have thought that taking time for yourself makes you BETTER at taking care of others.  As mommies, we are constantly caring for, cleaning up after, looking out for, and thinking about our kids.  From the time we get up in the morning (usually prompted by someone banging on your door or hollering for you-mommy to come get them out of their crib) to the time you-mommy go to bed at night (usually 2.5 hours later than you-mommy had hoped because of some unforeseen crisis that ensued as soon as bedtime was announced) you-mommy constantly have someone else on the forefront of your mind.  I am here to give you-mommy permission to take some time just for you-mommy every day!  The better you-mommy feel about yourself the better mommy you-mommy will be for your kids.  Of the typical things that most mothers struggle with, low self-esteem is one of the bigger issues.  So, let's do a few little thing to make ourselves feel a little sexier, a little, prettier, a little bit more like a lady and a little less like a dirty dish towel.  

To start, pick something, it doesn't have to be anything big or expensive, that you-mommy can do a couple times a week that remind you-mommy that you-mommy are a woman.  It can't be something like working out or taking a shower.  Those are the things you should do because you are a human being.  I am talking about something that is completely unnecessary and extremely impractical like a home facial or going tanning. Something very girly! For me, it is doing my nails.  I don't go to a salon because, quite frankly, I can't afford a $30 manicure every two days, but I do buy O.P.I polishes and other high quality nail care tools that will ensure a nice looking home mani.  I take about 20 minutes every three days to work on my nails.  Do I have something else I could be doing...YES! Is it practical...NO! Do they stay done very long...NO! But they are constantly out in front of me and every time I see them I feel just a little bit more feminine. Albeit when I see them, they are wiping a poopy butt, washing dishes, or folding another load of laundry, nonetheless, there they are and they look good!

So, reader-mommy, choose something, putting on makeup, wearing a cutie little sun dress or dangly earrings, something that makes you-mommy feel pretty. Then do that a couple times a week just for you!  

Today I learned that two dozen orange roses looks beautiful on my kitchen table.  Thanks, honey!

Scale Bliss...

Hooray!

Well, reader-mommy, Thursday has come once again which means that it is time to hop up on the scale to face the inevitable.  You-mommy can probably already tell how my weigh in went.  Not good!  First of all, I didn't weigh in last week.  A big no-no when you are trying to lose weight.  If you-mommy forget or are unable to weigh in on your set weigh day, be sure you-mommy weigh yourself as soon as possible, but always at the same time of day as you-mommy do on your weigh day.  I say this because each day you-mommy go past your weigh day, you-mommy psych yourself out more and more.  Eventually, you-mommy have rebuilt the fear of the scale that was stopping you-mommy from weighing in for the last however many years.   Ignorance is bliss, so we-mommies are boldly stepping up onto our scales and declaring, "We don't want bliss! We want our bodies back!" 

Yes, I did weigh in today.  It was not a blissful moment.  I did, as I said before, skip a week, so I was scared to death step up there this morning and face the truth.  The truth was that I have GAINED 4 pounds!  This is not how things are suppose to go for no other reason than that is not what I want.  I was suppose to cut back on sugar, but I didn't.  SO, since my little wake up call this morning, I have a whole new motivation to start making some changes to start seeing the results I want.  The changes I want do not include this bigger butt that has been making itself at home on my once sexy hips.  This week, I AM cutting back on sugar and upping my H2O intake (that means drinking more water).  We'll see if that will works.  I know that will work, we'll see if I work...

Today I learned that your laundry more than doubles while you are potty training!

A Fixer-Upper...

Reader-Mommy,

Remodeling is a funny word.  What it's true definition is has yet to be determined and will only ever be fully understood by those poor individuals naive enough to not know the difference between a good idea and a really stupid one.  It starts out with the fantasy of making the ugly beautiful, of choosing your paint colors and flooring, and building something wonderful with your own two hands. However, it ends in utter denial leaving you forever questioning your own sanity.  

What remodeling truly means is living in an unfinished home with your life in limbo because no, you can't finish decorating the living room until you know how the color scheme is going to work out in the dining room, but you can't choose the color scheme in the dining room until you know how much paint you are going to have left over from the bathroom which is presently on hold until the plumber comes to finish installing the fixtures which means that you are currently brushing your teeth in the kitchen sink also doubling as your kids' bathtub since the tile just got ripped out of your other bathroom.  You may have told yourself that you can live with anything, if only for a few months.  What you didn't know is that a few months really means that number times 10.5.  That will be the actual date of completion.  

Another factor commonly miscalculated on the grand adventure of home makeovers is money.  You may think you have your project planned out to the penny.  Soon after tearing out the floors in the entire house you realize that you no longer like the idea of carpet in the living room and decide to go with 4", pre-finished, Brazilian cherry hardwoods instead.  You whip out your calculator, grab your trusty notebook and lower the number you have given yourself for kitchen cabinets so that you are still on budget.  That was simple enough. Then you come to doing the kitchen cabinets.  At this point you realize that you can't go with the pine you had chosen to make up for the price of the wood floors.  NOW you really think that cherry cabinets would best compliment the new floors and you have to go with what looks best because you are going to live here for the rest of your life.  This endless process continues throughout the remodel.  By the end (really there is not "end" you just decide to sell the house hoping some other idiot will see your homes "potential" and take this disaster off your hand) you have thrown out your trusty notebook altogether and have surrendered yourself to the idea that you will spend your retirement in a cardboard box. At least that won't need to be remodeled.  

Today I learned that paint always looks better on the paint chip than on your walls!